the TRUman show.

i never really realized how fucked up this movie is. im watching it right now and trying to picture if it could ever really be pulled off. im pretty sure its impossible though.

then i thought about how if they just followed one person around all day everyday for 10 years, while they knew they were there of course. well, if it were me it would be one twisty-turny plot. i move from job to job, house to house, friend to friend... there would be too many people on the payroll.

there would be a handfull of employers... a cool one, a fatherly one, a gay one, rich snobby ones, and psycho disrespectful ones. all being paid to boss me around and see what kind of reactions they could get out of me. i had something on all of them though... i was smarter than they thought. i predicted every move that would go on at each and every job i've ever had. it wasnt hard or anything, boring middle class life is predictable like that.

lets not forget that part of the cast that hold the odd jobs. the neighbor that seems to be mowing the lawn everyday. the old lady that works at publix that always tells me that i'm beautiful, as if she hadn't seen me the day before buying a gallon of milk. the strange man that has been spotted driving and stopping infront of my house multiple times a day in a grey nissan armada, who was reported to me by the odd neighbor, lawnmower in tow. oh! and finally, the creepy dudes that ask me if i'm a swinger. gag.

i dont know-- it might be an interesting show. lots of nudity. lots of food... and fun too. it'll get good ratings with the male ages 18-35 demographic.

i can fore-see many bathroom mirror karaoke sessions... aswell as in the car.

i dont know, maybe i can make a movie out of this. not candid of course- but scripted, except people would think it were real. like lonelygirl15. i totally fell for that bullshit. i was pissed, i thought she was a cool chick and then BAM! bash in my hopes and dreams.

fuckin' internet.

adios sausage wallets.

-Lauren

p.s. police acedemy quickly approaching

Van WAILen . . .

there is no way in the world anyone could get away with saying "no pun intended" after saying that.

anywho-- the concert was fucking sweeettt. chicka chicka yeah.

I did end up getting totally demolished, but i still remember everything, which is good.
only downside is sitting here at my desk watching bart walk by every 10 minutes asking if my head still feels like the brigade of drums is rummaging through my brain. -- the answer is yes.

oh and just to let you know vinny, sucker adam quit-- seems i broke him down too hard. he was a puss anyway-- and no i'd never tap that. lol

Not much else to write about right now, as my day has only just begun. I shall now leave you with yet another random photo from 2 or more years ago. =0)

Thug means not having to say you're sorry.

i think i should have one of those hidden camera comedy shows.
here's why:

~Today at work i had the pleasure of being able to use one of those paint spray guns to paint this giant room in a jiffy. (as i was painting i made jesse clean the toilets-- she was pissed LoL) Anyway, it was a storage room and the color of choice was black. Dont ask me why, it was all Bart. Any way i put the sprayer thing down to go eat some pizza (not from 100% pfft) and when i got back, Adam, my slave had the sprayer thingy in his hand, pointed at my face. I called his bluff and closed my eyes and mouth just in time to get a face full of black latex paint. Well, it was quite the site, so i decided to not wash it off until i got home. Here's the fun part... i got paid today, and like any other working citizen, i headed on over to the nearest bank of america to deposit my check, and feeling bold, i took the option to walk inside instead of the drive thru. Wouldn't you know it, the only line open was this robust black woman, matching the color of my face. Needless to say, i got some interesting looks today.

=0D

The joy of having neighbors

Well there's this house across the street from my place that has been for rent since before i moved in. Yesterday morning i noticed a van full of people and 2 other cars pull into the tiny driveway and start to unload their shit into the garage. Anyway, this thought totally slipped my mind, when late last night i woke up to go potty (too much gatorade) and, as i strutted my naked self back from the bathroom, i noticed, through my totally opened blinds, that there was a mass amount of people in the driveway, and i also noticed that they could probably see me, naked, standing infront of the sliding glass door, with the light from the hallway illuminating me form behind.

the second i realized they were staring at me i screamed and dropped to the floor, and then i realized that i had to stand up to close the blinds. So... i had some fun with it. ;0) Well, i stood up, stretched out my arms as if i'd been asleep for hours, waved frantically, and got back in bed.

Needless to say, i think they were quite happy about their rental decision.


--But back to today. I did absolutely nothing at work, and it felt awesome. We had like 2 deliveries, so i sent Adam, my man slave. I made Jesse straighten up the warehouse, and i made Debbie (an old lady) do all my paper work as i chilled with Bart (the owner) in his office talking about the trip to Las Vegas thats coming up. yeah thats right-- and it's free too.

I dont want to make anyone jealous, but i plan on having a blast. lol.

I had fun, but hey my flanks rolled w/ cheese and spinach are in the oven, and i'm mighty hungry. Tea Tea why elle. =0)

(i like putting up random pictures... they're fun.-- and this one makes my hair look good straight.)

(oh, and it's on the train in NYC, get used to that Vin)

I'm a new soul

Been a while... glad to see things haven't changed too much. I don't cope well with change usually, but mostly because it's never really a good change. Not in this case though, as getting out of 100% was probably the best thing to happen to me since i left NY. (sorry, i'm still reppin' the PC but i gotta show the 386 some love too.)

But yeah in my new financial situation, i find myself actually saving my money and not spending it. (i didnt think i had it in me) The only thing i'm going to spend it on besides the VAN HALEN CONCERT [lol] is a dining room set. Nothing too fancy, and something almost too boring to talk about on here, so enough of that nonsense.

--i just realized that without that nonsense, i have no filling for the rest of this. so uh... bye?

Jew know.

commercially known as Juno, a "hip" young energetic film about a 16 year old girl who gets herself in a rut by getting pregnant, and just when you think 'hmm she might keep the baby' BAM surprise ending, she doesn't give 2 shits about it.

there ya go i ruined it for all of you. pfft. but hey it was worth the Rc cinemas gift certs.


i've been thinking.
i realized that my only goal in life is to be something that i'm not.
i dont mean a dude.
i mean a super famous, talented at birth, celebrity.
i dont even know what kind-- i mean i guess i could act... i dunno, never thought about it-- i dont even know if i can.
i could "model" but not like fashion... i'm too damn sexy and hot to model because i'm not a pez dispenser with a bitch head on it.
what else is there?
god knows i cant sing for shit, so musicals are out of the question...

writing requires work, like this blog, and anything under like 10 pages is good for me, but toss me an outline for a novel or some shit and i'll toss it back at your face.

no, vin-e i wont be a whore...

hmm *lightbulb*
(yes that was a real lightbulb... total idea popage into headage!)
you know how they say dont look for love, it'll find you? (even though i'm exempt since i can make anyone love me...) well i probably shouldn't look for my break, it'll just find me.

in case-- this blog was pointless... but entertaining to some probably so clicking 'publish post' isn't a total waste of my time.

oh, but one more for the road...

Dude! ... sweet.

Going Metric

For those who thought the hardest part of going metric was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms

Intelexiful

Vinny-- shut it. It's my word and I'm sticking to it.

But whatever, anyway i just wanted to write a list like uh... thing about all the shit i accomplished today.

- i mopped the floor 3 times over. i could say that you would be able to eat off of it, but that would be a lie-- as the second the swiffer mop went back in the closet the floor was covered in phantom dirt. well i mean you COULD eat off it but i wouldn't really recommend it

- i used roy's kirby turbo vacuum from the 1950's to vacuum my stairs, as three of us could not figure out how to get the damn hose attachment on my vacuum to suck anything.

- i installed the pur water filter on my kitchen sink without flooding the state. and just for future reference... turn off the faucet before turning off the filter, or you will inadvertently cause yourself to have to re-mop the kitchen floor.

- i managed to spray every soft surface in the house with febreze fabric refresher-- and boy howdy do those commercials tell the truth, as to test the smell of my bed, i quickly laid down to take a wiff and woke up 3 hours later with a nice fresh scent still lingering in my nostrils.

- finally i swept the shit out of all my rugs, bringing them outside first of course. and then after i ended up sweeping half the damn parking lot just to get the dirt far away enough so that the wind couldnt sneak attack my freshly mopped floors. of course, i failed, hence me having to mop 3 times. (ahh, see i knew you were wondering why i did that!)

well on a different note, i almost dyed my hair dark as night, not unlike marisa's new do, but thanks to vinny's voice in my head, i put the box back on the shelf in publix. damn you francica...

It must be a sign or something...

This may seem kind of dumb or childish... or both... but there is a penny, face-down on my bathroom floor. it's been there for like 3 whole days and i refuse to pick it up because i swear to god that it did not land there from any of my pockets.

idk it's weird. it's just laying there in the middle of a tile surrounded by random stray hairs and a pair of dirty jeans that dont even have pockets.

whatever.

im trying to be all creative and junk but its just not working anymore. fuck grammar and punctuation... it's a waste of my time. as is this blog because i think a total of 2 people read it anyways. (counting myself) agh it's so frustrating!!

my quest for fame is coming up short... but im not giving up. everyone in the world is trying to be rich and famous, so why should i think that i have any more of a chance than roy, my next door neighbor? i really dont-- he's got a cooler job anyways. i think i'd be a good tour guide... if it was somewhere cool, ya know?

"Welcome to big moe's house of porno's! On the left you'll see our bdsm/bondage section. And here's the line for the latex lovers demonstration room."

I'd be totally kick ass at something like that. If they had a job for elevator attendants, anywhere around here-- sign me up. I'd make the announcements as im standing there on the elevator. "Seventh floor: maternity, misses, and house ware appliance returns. *pause* Mind the gap."

but then again i guess life wouldnt be life if there were people whose job it was to invent a job to fit every person. BUT it would be pretty sweet.

my land lord is a puss

there was a bug flying around in my kitchen, i ducked and big burly tom the landlord guy screamed like a fucking fairy.

wow do i feel safe living here--.

anyways vinny-- idk if the 5k is such a good idea because i swear i had a mild heart attack about an hour ago, and i came |--| <-- that close to calling 911. dude. i need a reboot.

anyways look at what i found!! (you're totally in that picture)

fuhqt 101

its a new class in the life of lauren.


alright so i sat down with the only person i felt comfortable discussing my physical state (well-- my body anyways) with... chris. yeah i know, shut up and deal with it.

i should have known better as all i got out of it was a lecture about how i have to make the changes, and that diet is the first place. but see i cant do 6 meals a day of steamed broccoli and grilled chicken. nuh-uh, not for me buddy.

then i got the whole "who cares if you dont feel good on a run-- fight through it, it's what i would do!"

bull fuckin shit dude.
you wouldnt die.
ugh.
eurtyklrueystklen6klies4u683il6. 4iu5l84

but anyways i gave in, and i wrote out a planned diet that i'm going to start in a week, once i get paid again, so i can afford food. idk why i even bother talking to some people. i mean yeah i still feel really strongly towards chris, i cant help that, but i knew i was walking into a lecture that i had heard 70 times before. (well-- every time i said i felt like i was getting fat.)

i just wanna get back into my state/section champ shape.
god i was hot.
and i still am...
but uh-- in a different way lol.

yeah number one!

well everyone else is doing it!
(thats my excuse for adding this blog to the list...)
hopefully it wont be another one of those unfinished, ignorable ones.
sorry xanga-- i tried.

Anywho, since my new years resolution was to lose a bunch-o-weight i decided i'd document it here so i can't get away with the whole 'you dont have any proof that i said that' thing.

I'm not gonna say how much weight i claimed i'd lose because some would say i'm nuts. but hey... i already know so fuck you. -- sorry. I noticed i tend to type as if im actually speaking the words. which is weird because no one is there. well hell big brother might be watching but thats a whole different problem, as i'd probably be more formal with him than i would anyone just casually reading this pathetic attempt at bloggage.

damn. what happened to my english skills? i think that every time i eat a cookie i lose a bit of information about the english language. which is why i say things like 'nutzo' and 'bloggage.'

but anyway, i'm just wrapping this up so i can take the time to think about my next post, and to end it i will say this--

i challenge the whole francica family to race me in a 5k and anyone that beats me gets a million dollars.

--so vinny... how's that for confidence?